“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

I had a friend write me a handwritten letter for the holiday season and send it across 4500 miles into my surprised hands. She wrote that I was her inspiration; I gave her the courage to change her life so drastically. She thanked me for everything I’ve done to help her over the past years of our friendship. I can’t ever explain what that means to me, but I guess I could try.

I live my life only by the idea that I want to be able to walk up to those pearly gates, or wherever it is I end up, with no regrets as to things I could have done, did or never accomplished. I’ll try absolutely anything once, if I don’t like it I move on and never do it again. If I do, then I have found something new and exciting. To hear that because of the lifestyle I have chosen I can influence people around me into doing the same things, or having the courage to live life as it comes- this is truly incredible. Just the possibility that while I watch myself try to find the career that helps me influence and better the lives of others that I’m already doing just that. Even without trying I’m influencing people around me in great ways. Now what does that mean that I could do when I actually do try?


Now every year I write my ‘what did I learn’ post. This year has been by far one of the most influential, life changing, utterly devastating, and demanding years I’ve ever had to experience. This year I’ve learned of loss. I’ve learned of insurmountable change. I’ve learned of loneliness and cold. I’ve spent my year living in two very different parts of the world. At the beginning of this year I was a recent graduate. I was single and moving from Orlando, FL where all my friends lived to Palm Harbor. I had wanted to save money to go to Kenya to work on AIDS awareness in rural tribes, but the World Cup and a serious case of Mono stopped my chances of my dream finally becoming a reality. I worked a meaningless job with more people that I didn’t really get along with just to scrap together some cash. I lived at home with my parents becoming more miserable with my situation each additional day.

About half way through the year I discovered the true meaning of spontaneity. Without any warning to friends or family I decided to move. On a Friday I brought up the idea to my parents of moving. “I guess Seattle sounds cool.” And packed up my room, made my final farewells and took off for a 5 day excursion cross-country with my mom by the following Saturday. I moved to a city where I knew nobody, no family, no friends and started anew. To say this was/is difficult is to not even scratch the surface. I learned so much about how much I could handle this year. I found jobs, made a few friends and tried to work on making everlasting bonds between people I’d never met before. These people weren’t even in my realm of understanding. The natives call it the “seattle freeze.” I call it a consistent callousness and a virtual lack of understanding when it comes to personal boundaries and social faux-pas. I’ve had to muster ever part of my being just to hold myself in a state above obsession about moving back to the East Coast. At least there I understand the people.

It’s so hard for me to actually write this post. I’m battling with myself over what to include and what to leave out. I feel like this game has been a test of will. It’s the will I’ve had to hold onto to stay ‘me.’ I’ve been constantly battling with myself for months thinking that maybe I didn’t have it all together. Maybe I didn’t have the drive, the stamina, the motivation to do all of the amazing things I’ve dreamed of. I know I do and I needed good friends to keep myself in check. I’ve had a hard time in that arena as well. My friends have been inconsistent since I left Orlando. It’s like an out of sight out of mind scenario. I feel like I’ve done everything for my friends and it turned around and made me feel like no one was there for me. I had one friend come to Tampa (a two hour drive) for my birthday. She stayed for two hours and left. Luckily, ten days later I had a friend throw a surprise party for me that I’ll likely never forget for the sheer impressive ability he had to actually surprise me. This year has been my proof to me who the real people that love me are. This year brought old friends back to me and took others away. I’ve had to go through and see that people I never would’ve thought were my best friends truly were and people I thought would always be there for me, at the first test of our friendship, left me in the dust.

I decided on postponing grad school this year. It wasn’t because I had plans, or so many other things to do. I postponed it for the only reason of feeling so overwhelmed with trying to get in that I couldn’t handle the pressure. I had so much to do and what felt like so little time to actually do it. I was just trying to figure out a life here in Seattle when I was trying to figure out how to start one somewhere else. It was just overwhelming. I want to do the research; I want to find an incredible school; I want to kick ass on my GRE’s. But I want to be able to do all of this without the pressure of trying to start a new life.

I feel like I haven’t even brushed the surface of this year. So much has happened to me, around me, to people I know. The end of this year has truly been my test. I don’t know if I’ve passed yet or not, but I’m trying really hard for extra credit. I’ve been really good to myself all year and have stayed single. I’m looking for the right guy. Well, to be honest, there’s a lot more to the relationship aspect of me than most people know. I’m just not ready to share with the world yet. So, be patient all you internet stalkers. I’ll let you in on fun facts later. I’ve been good though. I know the qualities I want and I seem to be willing to wait for them. I’m just not ready to divulge my life into a relationship that’s not going anywhere anymore. Maybe this means I’m growing up. Maybe this means I really should’ve gone to college for my MRS degree!

Now for the loss. I can’t begin to convey to anyone that wasn’t directly involved what this was like. To be honest, I don’t know how much I actually want to share how much it hurts because like everything else I try to act like I’m stronger than I am. I’m the shoulder everyone else uses to lean on. I’ll just tell you I carry a piece of her with me every day and every time I look in the mirror or play with my necklace I say a silent prayer. I tell her about my life. I boast of my accomplishments. I cry about my insecurities. And I rant about all the stupid things my mother and I fight about. I have the same relationship with her I always did, yet we probably talk a lot more now than we ever did. The experience in and of itself was something I don’t wish on anyone and cannot understand how people deal so well. I’m a pretty empathetic person though and I feel with such intensity that I think I probably didn’t handle it well on my own accord. The whole situation did make me learn just how important my family truly is. I love my sisters. I love Jack. I love my mother. I just could never be too far away from them and this plays havoc on my dreams. I don’t dream in the continental US and I think this kills my mother. My family means the world to me and I don’t know where I’d be if anything happened to them. Because of this I’m working on my next tattoo. Something along the lines of “Never lose your sense of humor.” I can’t wait until I finally decide what to get because this tattoo will mean more to me than anything else I’ve gotten so far.

I think this year has ultimately made me a stronger, better person. It’s hard to rate it because each year has it’s own trials, each year it’s own personal goals, accomplishments and losses. The true test of character is how you end up at the finale. Ripped and torn in shatters, put back together with glue. I surmise, that this year was my cross off the list I’ve been creating since infancy. I dreamed of moving to a place where I knew nobody just to see if I could make it. I’m here. I’m living this one out till the bitter end. Don’t get me wrong, this city is absolutely incredible. I love it here. The mountains, the water. You couldn’t ask for a better place to come, but for me…this was another item off the list. I could see myself spending summers here enjoying the cool breezes and the beautiful lakes, yet I know that I can’t survive another winter like this. The dreary, overcast life is not for me. I can’t be held in this constant equilibrium between raining and almost raining. It plays havoc on my soul. I need sunshine. I need blue skies. Mostly, I just need to find my niche somewhere else. Giving another few months is definitely needed, but I feel like I’ll leave here with the ability to say that I did it. No matter what obstacles fell in my way, no matter what strife my life threw in front of me I survived and came out for the better. I’ve got big plans for myself and Seattle was definitely a stepping stone to the next chapter for me. Thanks for helping me write it this year and I hope you’ll all help me smile next year because it’s going to bring great new beginnings and beautiful endings. All I need to do is keep out my pen and paper…or megapixels and keyboards to make sure you’re all a part of it. Thank you for being there for me and I hope you all have a happy and healthy New Year.