Who would be your first call?

I find it interesting to see who are the first people you talk to in a crisis.

The moments you swear you’ll crumble and fall apart, the moments that seem so frivolous and useless and all you want to do is cry, the moments where words can’t even be communicated through the sobs of hopelessness. The moment you are at the pinnacle of vulnerability there are people you think would be your first call. There are people that should have been, but when the time comes you pick people you never would have thought. What does this say to you? To me, I feel like I’m trying to tell myself who seem to be the people that are always there for me no matter what shit I put them through, how long it’s been since we’ve talked or even how many hours are separating us. I’m noticing slowly the things I want in my life. I’ve been so naïve to the people that have been my greatest allies, my steady foundations of love and trust. These are the people that have had my back this past week.

I never expected to put so much of my insecurities into the hands of friends I rarely spoke truthful words to. I can’t explain the depth of my gratitude for these people in my life. The kind words, the amiable gestures, the couple of drinks to loosen the tongue and discuss life’s trials.

We all know my family means everything to me, so much so it’s tattooed on my body for eternity. My friends are my family and they are included, but true family- the ones where blood ties become bonds that are unbreakable and genetics lead to heritable traits like a sense of humor. I love my family. It hurts to see part of that family disappear from our physical lives, but knowing she’ll always be there in spirit and live on through our memories casts a net wide enough to hide my fears. It has been one of the hardest weeks; I wish I was happier to be home. This just doesn’t feel like home and it hasn’t felt like home. I could have never come back and been just as comfortable as I am now. Seattle is not the place for me. I remember the last time I entered into the state of WA and how ecstatic I was for the unknown, but now that I know it and I know what I have to go through to get back to my family when things happen, I’m not happy here. I’ll give it a few more months to try and make a place for myself, but in the end we’ll see where this groundbreaking event leads my life because we know forever it has changed it.