“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

I had a friend write me a handwritten letter for the holiday season and send it across 4500 miles into my surprised hands. She wrote that I was her inspiration; I gave her the courage to change her life so drastically. She thanked me for everything I’ve done to help her over the past years of our friendship. I can’t ever explain what that means to me, but I guess I could try.

I live my life only by the idea that I want to be able to walk up to those pearly gates, or wherever it is I end up, with no regrets as to things I could have done, did or never accomplished. I’ll try absolutely anything once, if I don’t like it I move on and never do it again. If I do, then I have found something new and exciting. To hear that because of the lifestyle I have chosen I can influence people around me into doing the same things, or having the courage to live life as it comes- this is truly incredible. Just the possibility that while I watch myself try to find the career that helps me influence and better the lives of others that I’m already doing just that. Even without trying I’m influencing people around me in great ways. Now what does that mean that I could do when I actually do try?


Now every year I write my ‘what did I learn’ post. This year has been by far one of the most influential, life changing, utterly devastating, and demanding years I’ve ever had to experience. This year I’ve learned of loss. I’ve learned of insurmountable change. I’ve learned of loneliness and cold. I’ve spent my year living in two very different parts of the world. At the beginning of this year I was a recent graduate. I was single and moving from Orlando, FL where all my friends lived to Palm Harbor. I had wanted to save money to go to Kenya to work on AIDS awareness in rural tribes, but the World Cup and a serious case of Mono stopped my chances of my dream finally becoming a reality. I worked a meaningless job with more people that I didn’t really get along with just to scrap together some cash. I lived at home with my parents becoming more miserable with my situation each additional day.

About half way through the year I discovered the true meaning of spontaneity. Without any warning to friends or family I decided to move. On a Friday I brought up the idea to my parents of moving. “I guess Seattle sounds cool.” And packed up my room, made my final farewells and took off for a 5 day excursion cross-country with my mom by the following Saturday. I moved to a city where I knew nobody, no family, no friends and started anew. To say this was/is difficult is to not even scratch the surface. I learned so much about how much I could handle this year. I found jobs, made a few friends and tried to work on making everlasting bonds between people I’d never met before. These people weren’t even in my realm of understanding. The natives call it the “seattle freeze.” I call it a consistent callousness and a virtual lack of understanding when it comes to personal boundaries and social faux-pas. I’ve had to muster ever part of my being just to hold myself in a state above obsession about moving back to the East Coast. At least there I understand the people.

It’s so hard for me to actually write this post. I’m battling with myself over what to include and what to leave out. I feel like this game has been a test of will. It’s the will I’ve had to hold onto to stay ‘me.’ I’ve been constantly battling with myself for months thinking that maybe I didn’t have it all together. Maybe I didn’t have the drive, the stamina, the motivation to do all of the amazing things I’ve dreamed of. I know I do and I needed good friends to keep myself in check. I’ve had a hard time in that arena as well. My friends have been inconsistent since I left Orlando. It’s like an out of sight out of mind scenario. I feel like I’ve done everything for my friends and it turned around and made me feel like no one was there for me. I had one friend come to Tampa (a two hour drive) for my birthday. She stayed for two hours and left. Luckily, ten days later I had a friend throw a surprise party for me that I’ll likely never forget for the sheer impressive ability he had to actually surprise me. This year has been my proof to me who the real people that love me are. This year brought old friends back to me and took others away. I’ve had to go through and see that people I never would’ve thought were my best friends truly were and people I thought would always be there for me, at the first test of our friendship, left me in the dust.

I decided on postponing grad school this year. It wasn’t because I had plans, or so many other things to do. I postponed it for the only reason of feeling so overwhelmed with trying to get in that I couldn’t handle the pressure. I had so much to do and what felt like so little time to actually do it. I was just trying to figure out a life here in Seattle when I was trying to figure out how to start one somewhere else. It was just overwhelming. I want to do the research; I want to find an incredible school; I want to kick ass on my GRE’s. But I want to be able to do all of this without the pressure of trying to start a new life.

I feel like I haven’t even brushed the surface of this year. So much has happened to me, around me, to people I know. The end of this year has truly been my test. I don’t know if I’ve passed yet or not, but I’m trying really hard for extra credit. I’ve been really good to myself all year and have stayed single. I’m looking for the right guy. Well, to be honest, there’s a lot more to the relationship aspect of me than most people know. I’m just not ready to share with the world yet. So, be patient all you internet stalkers. I’ll let you in on fun facts later. I’ve been good though. I know the qualities I want and I seem to be willing to wait for them. I’m just not ready to divulge my life into a relationship that’s not going anywhere anymore. Maybe this means I’m growing up. Maybe this means I really should’ve gone to college for my MRS degree!

Now for the loss. I can’t begin to convey to anyone that wasn’t directly involved what this was like. To be honest, I don’t know how much I actually want to share how much it hurts because like everything else I try to act like I’m stronger than I am. I’m the shoulder everyone else uses to lean on. I’ll just tell you I carry a piece of her with me every day and every time I look in the mirror or play with my necklace I say a silent prayer. I tell her about my life. I boast of my accomplishments. I cry about my insecurities. And I rant about all the stupid things my mother and I fight about. I have the same relationship with her I always did, yet we probably talk a lot more now than we ever did. The experience in and of itself was something I don’t wish on anyone and cannot understand how people deal so well. I’m a pretty empathetic person though and I feel with such intensity that I think I probably didn’t handle it well on my own accord. The whole situation did make me learn just how important my family truly is. I love my sisters. I love Jack. I love my mother. I just could never be too far away from them and this plays havoc on my dreams. I don’t dream in the continental US and I think this kills my mother. My family means the world to me and I don’t know where I’d be if anything happened to them. Because of this I’m working on my next tattoo. Something along the lines of “Never lose your sense of humor.” I can’t wait until I finally decide what to get because this tattoo will mean more to me than anything else I’ve gotten so far.

I think this year has ultimately made me a stronger, better person. It’s hard to rate it because each year has it’s own trials, each year it’s own personal goals, accomplishments and losses. The true test of character is how you end up at the finale. Ripped and torn in shatters, put back together with glue. I surmise, that this year was my cross off the list I’ve been creating since infancy. I dreamed of moving to a place where I knew nobody just to see if I could make it. I’m here. I’m living this one out till the bitter end. Don’t get me wrong, this city is absolutely incredible. I love it here. The mountains, the water. You couldn’t ask for a better place to come, but for me…this was another item off the list. I could see myself spending summers here enjoying the cool breezes and the beautiful lakes, yet I know that I can’t survive another winter like this. The dreary, overcast life is not for me. I can’t be held in this constant equilibrium between raining and almost raining. It plays havoc on my soul. I need sunshine. I need blue skies. Mostly, I just need to find my niche somewhere else. Giving another few months is definitely needed, but I feel like I’ll leave here with the ability to say that I did it. No matter what obstacles fell in my way, no matter what strife my life threw in front of me I survived and came out for the better. I’ve got big plans for myself and Seattle was definitely a stepping stone to the next chapter for me. Thanks for helping me write it this year and I hope you’ll all help me smile next year because it’s going to bring great new beginnings and beautiful endings. All I need to do is keep out my pen and paper…or megapixels and keyboards to make sure you’re all a part of it. Thank you for being there for me and I hope you all have a happy and healthy New Year.

Ollie the Predecessor

Goodness gracious. I know. I know. The "I told you so"'s are coming...

Everyone kept telling me Ollie wouldn't make the dangerous and deadly 4200 miles to Seattle, but he did. They said he wouldn't last; he wasn't up to the challenge. Oh how he proved you wrong! However, Seattlites have cursed every metallic screw and bolt in Ollie's pretty little black frame. He is dying a very slow and painful death. Over the past 3 months he has been in two accidents. He's been to the doctor's twice to have splints and shots and all the prosthetics put on him. He's broken down in a random driveway in the bad part of town leaving me with 6 grocery bags FULL of AIDS patient's food and 19 frozen dinners. I promise I don't normally try to steal the only sustenance given to dying patients, it just...happened. He's got some misshapen wheel that people randomly flag me down for on a highway with no shoulder. And he's dirty, very dirty. I will not take him to the bath again because last time I spent so much time on him someone hit him hard enough to send me to the hospital and him to the doctor for a whole new backside. My mom has now decided that I need a new car and this is it:



I've got the next three days off from Wild Ginger! Woo hoo! Yet I start my cleaning job at Hot Yoga tomorrow and Monday. It's right in the middle of the day, which is kind of annoying, but whatever. Free Yoga! I went last night and signed up for their 12 day challenge. I have to go everyday for 12 days and then I'm entered into a raffle where I can get a free month (which I can then give to the person of my choice for Xmas). Oh, the fun Jason has given us!

Tonight I'm heading out with Brock to go ice skating and then probably a karaoke night! If you've ever seen me karaoke you know how much fun tonight is going to be!! Haha. And then NEXT saturday is what people around the country call Santacon. Don't be jealous it will be in your state soon enough! Everyone meets at noon at the "fremont troll," dressed as Santa and it's a city wide bar crawl all through town. People on the light rail, on the metro, in cabs, taking their own cars, biking, hiking and frolicking through the city of Seattle dressed in red and snowy white. Can't wait for a jolly good time.

Take-out Chinese food + Netflix + RedBox = a pretty rad sick day

So, I do not miss Florida. I think I might be allergic to it or something. I used to be chronically sick, if you knew me, it was not fun. I moved to WA almost 6 months ago and have not gotten sick once. Blame it on the palm trees because as soon as I got back into the sunny state I came down with everything imaginable. So, I'm back in the cold, rainy weather with something similar to the flu. I worked from 10:30am yesterday till nearly 1am this morning nearly dying on the 5 block walk back to my car in less than 30 degree weather without my beanie or gloves! So, today has been my do-absolutely-nothing-and-enjoy-it day. I've sat in my pjs all day and watched movie after movie and talked with the roomies, Mel and Jake, all morning. If I thought I had a facebook addiction before, now it's getting much worse.

I've come back to my new home a little more enlightened and in a much better mood. I've diagnosed my bad mood to grief and a little homesickness for friends. After being immersed completely in my friends back home, I'm ready to be back here in Washington. I love you all to death, but I cause way too much drama for my own good there. I need to seriously thank a certain friend of mine in Palm Harbor for allowing me to let go of some of the ideas I was holding on to and with that came huge inspiration. I haven't stopped writing since. I carry a journal with me everywhere just in case something comes to mind. It's the most amazing feeling to think this way again! I feel like I'm finally back to myself again, which could be bad or good depending on who's watching. I haven't gone back to yoga yet and for that I'm kind of sad, but I know as soon as I'm feeling better my butt's going to be in that gym every day.

I got to experience a few things at home that I'm happy to say I will not miss, but I also got to spend some great moments with some people I never thought would've happened again. You see, life is about all of these random, minute changes that happen within us that brings about the differences in our lives. I know for the next few months I will be trying to figure out some sort of plan for what I want to come in the future, but right at this moment I am actually reveling in the uncertainties.