One of those days...

Do you ever have those days of reminiscing that you just can't break out of?

Today is definitely one of those days for me. I just keep thinking about Seattle. About moving back. I definitely don't miss the rain and the overcast, but I miss the beauty and the fervor I felt for it when I walked outside. I walked everywhere just because I loved it. I loved walking down the street and seeing the skyline at the end with the sparkling water even in the gray covered mist and the serene backdrop of snow-capped mountains a little fuzzy in the distance, but still plainly clear. It's one of those sites you can't forget. The evergreen trees so statuesque and pristine along the edges of the highway as you race by, or sit in traffic...it was just so beautiful. So calming sometimes. Sitting outside on a brisk or even chilly night on my porch steps just watching the stars and having amazing conversations. I miss my friends there. I miss Anna-lisa and Mel and Ruth and even Chris sometimes. I miss walking around the parks. Gasworks. Riding the bus downtown to Pike's Place. I miss showing off my beautiful city. I miss sitting in my kitchen on the mini stove warming myself after taking a run around Green Lake. I miss walking to the local market and always finding something new to try. I miss the Farmer's market every Sunday and the sushi for lunch. I miss kayaking in the sound. I miss driving somewhere new and experiencing things on my own every other weekend. I miss the adventure, the experience of the place. I miss Ryan and our zombie filled extravaganzas. I miss seeing seals in Discovery park and I miss watching the AMAZING sunsets in Golden Gardens. I miss the food, the wonderful seafood I couldn't get enough of. I miss volunteering and visiting the sick families that became my friends. I miss Kate and our dinner dates and meeting up with alums from my hometown. I miss the Mariners game with Mike and playing in the bars in Fremont and Ballard. I miss the random people I met from meet-up, no matter how strange, they were always a good time. I miss my cousins and our poetry and meteor shower events. I miss always having something to do. Not always sitting at home. Not always having to drive places. I miss public transportation being easy. I miss seeing the Space Needle walking to work. I miss my friends in Bellevue and hearing their stories of growing up in this strange town.

Nashville has it's perks, but it's not the same. It's nice to be so close to family. It's nice to be able to go outside in the sunshine for more than three months. It's incredible to be able to take weekend trips to other states. Zorbing and rafting and mountain climbing and hiking and outdoorsy things are commonplace. We can spend a weekend with my parents in Tampa easily, or Orlando. We can fly to NY for relatively cheap. These trips aren't 8 hours just by plane, they're quick and easy. We're saving money, which is nice.

It's hard to let go of everything I miss though. As horrible as it felt sometimes, Seattle meant a lot to me. It was something I did on my own. It took everything I had to make it work and as miserable as I was, it was just because I was lonely. I felt so far away from familiar, yet now I yearn to feel that unfamiliarity again. I'm so unsure of my future at this point. I just know next year is going to be a radical change no matter what. I should be stoked but I'm just waiting anxiously to figure something, anything out.

I'll keep you posted.

I'm in an odd state of transition it feels like.

A year after moving I feel the urge to get up and move again. I just got back from San Francisco and Napa with my sister and mom. Now I just keep thinking about what's next. I know what I've been wanting to do for so long, Ph.D and research and such, but it's all so long in the making. I have my whole life to work on that part of it. I want to see the world. I want to volunteer. I want to live and study abroad. I don't want to be stuck for another 5 years in one place, especially one I don't particularly like. I can't see myself here in Nashville and another 5 years to complete a program feels suffocating. I had a hard enough time spending the time to complete a bachelors in one city, so I finished it a year and a half early. A little over 3 years was my limit...

As I sit here and write this I realize just how true my words really are. I can't see myself here. I want to move again. I want to keep moving. I feel like, yet again, I'm waiting on my life to start. My life is still continuing. I remind myself of that everyday. Now I ask myself if I did get up and leave what would I do. How would I survive? What would be my income? I don't have the same life I used to, then at the same time I know I do. Life is not the same easy-going situation it was when I was in college. I don't have constant funds. I have health insurance until I leave my job. I have a car and car payments and insurance. I have a cat. I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle down. I want to leave. I want to get up and start life somewhere new yet again. I need constant change. It feels so great to feel open to this possibility again. I just don't know.

What to do. Where to go. Maybe travel abroad with Reid for awhile. Work at hostels and make our way through Europe or Asia or Aussie and NZ (my favorite place in the world). I can see us doing that. I can see both of us picking up and leaving. I want another year of this. Save some money. Make a life and a name in research then do just that. I start my second year in my profession of choice tomorrow. I'll be in it. I've been learning, expanding, researching. I have my ENTIRE life to live. I need to not limit myself to the life that other people set out for me to live. You and I both know that's not me. I'm not the person to set myself down to the life everyone else has.

Now I just need to figure out/think of something to do. I'll keep you posted.

Life, in general

My mom told me while I was home for the weekend last weekend that people have been asking why I haven't updated since...September. It's very easy to explain for a few reasons. 1- The blog is connected to an email account I no longer have (UCF took it away from me), so I have to sign out of the one I have then try to remember the password for the old one. A bit of a hassle. 2- Life is...busy. Well, more like work is busy. Life is relaxing, for the most part.

So, how to update the last almost 6 months for you. Work has had its ins and outs. I hated it for awhile with the monotony of awful work. I was bored and that's not good for me. Boredom=not caring. Once I don't care anymore it's hard to come back. Don't you ever feel that way sometimes? I like to switch things up once I get to that point. It takes all the fret and dismay out of working a tedious job. So, what I did is I got up the nerve to sit down with my boss and ask for something new, something different- my own project. She has led me in a whole new direction. She offered to help me get publications for applying to grad schools. She also, along with a few others, persuaded me to get my Ph.D instead of just a Masters. My goals in life would stop incredibly short of their destination if I wasted my time on a Masters.

These days I am working on my own project with Edema Fluid in Acute Lung Injury patients from the ICU. I'm basically working with microRNAs and histone proteins for the time being. My focus will be on the histones though. I doubt that's in anyone's realm of real caring, so if you want to know more you can google it. I'm also starting a new project for the Delirium group working with Veterans samples and I'm finishing up a project on lung transplant patients. Like I said, busy.

Lots have been going on at home. Update on Reid, the boy. He, unfortunately, got let go of his job with the online advertising company, but he also had two job offers a couple months after. He got offered a high-paying sales job with Dell and a copywriting position with an advertising company. Needless to say, it was a no-brainer and he is now a proud member of an advertising company rated one of the best places to work in Nashville! YAY Reid!

Now this. I will expound on an issue I'm going through a little bit of trouble with right now. I've basically set myself up to start grad school in 2013, work on my Ph.D for 5+ years then start a post doc. then a possible career in the immunology pathology field of research. Here's the dilemma. This would be my last year to experience...anything I wanted to do. You all should know by now that I'm a wandering soul. I'm content when I'm moving. I'm happiest when there's change, new things, new cultures, life. How else do you explain me? I'm a wanderer. I have wanderlust. I've met my counterpart that feels the same way I do. He's the other part of my soul. You always know, that missing piece when finally placed makes you feel whole in yourself, your life, your possibilities.

Well, my other half wants to teach in Asia for a year. He brought the idea up on a whim two weeks ago. Well, it's time to get serious. Our lease is up in October. What's exactly stopping us from packing up our essentials (and our adorable little kitty Liam) and moving to Asia for a year come then. Nothing. Nothing but my grad school, research, and starting my career. I'm going through a ton of battles with myself right now. I want to go. I keep asking myself: Why not? Every time I wonder whether or not to do something, that's my go to question. It always pushes me to choose the right direction. I don't want to ever regret not doing something. Life is nothing with regrets. We should live our lives the way we see fit, otherwise, what's the point in living it? But that's putting off school for another year. That's taking off from the research I've just now begun on my own. That's taking away my possible publications and the furthering of my career in science. But, if not now, when? When do I get this chance again? And especially to have someone else to go with me like Reid? Ugh...so many facets of my life to look at, but this feels like it should be such a good decision. Teach abroad for a year, travel, then come back refreshed and ready to take on the world! I'm just having a hard time. I don't know what to do. I'll keep you updated and when/if this pans out you'll definitely be getting a brand new blog entitled WANDERLUST and up to date postings about travels, experiences, and of course pictures of everything I come into contact with.